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Jupiter Bullseye Cocktail

Jupiter Bullseye Cocktail

Add vodka and water through the valve, palpate, and sip.

Tang · Taurine · Vodka

“Your Jupiter Bulls Eye Cocktail comes, like beverages in space, as a flavored powder served in a sealed bag. Tang was first developed by General Foods in 1957 and made famous by NASA for its use on the 1965 Gemini flights. Thereafter, all space beverages have been served in this form.

For an extra zip of energy so far uncorroborated by scientific evidence, we have added the sulfonic acid taurine, which occurs naturally in animal bile. While the marketing success of many energy drinks relies on associations with bull virility and stamina, it is named after Taurus only because it was first isolated from ox bile.

Although alcohol is not served in space, we offer you a version spiked with Russian vodka as an intercultural union with American Tang. All excess fluids in space are captured and recycled, thus our cocktail is served in a catheter bag, which is usually used to collect urine.”

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A diner sips Jupter Bulls Eye Cocktail from a catheter bag.

Smoked Beef Jerky Balls in Semen Extender Sauce atop a Bed of Cyanobacteria

Gently re-climatize the tube of sauce between your legs for one minute, then place in a warm bath for two minutes. Stream onto beef jerky ball pasta and savor.

Beef jerky sponge balls · Spirulina noodles · Béchamel semen extender sauce · Freeze-dried garnish courtesy VNK

“Space travel and genetics are coupled perfectly in our signature main course. Our fresh pasta saturated with spirulina imparts proteins and all the wholesome benefits of this special cyanobacterium, which has made many contributions to the advancement of extraterrestrial agriculture and micro-algae. The noodles are topped with tender sponge balls made from powderized beef jerky and other desiccated natural ingredients.

The happy ending to this savory dish is a rich béchamel sauce suitable for protecting frozen bull semen in transit on its long journey from stud testicle to cow. The discovery in the 1950s of adding glycerol to mammalian cells prior to freezing had the effect of stabilizing tissues as they thawed. This suspension and reanimation of life processes enabled tissue banking for the practice of biotechnology at an industrial scale, and revolutionized cattle breeding. Artificial insemination could henceforth be achieved without regard to time or space by simply adding egg yolk and milk semen extender to bull sperm prior to freezing.”

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A tube of bull semen extender sauce emerges from a cryopreservation tank.

Angel Cake with Udder Custard

Open package with cake and fruit, squirt with cream, and enjoy.

Angel sponge cake · Freeze-dried fruit · Crème Anglaise

Hey diddle diddle,
The cat with a fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

– Mother Goose nursery rhyme, English, ca. 18th century

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Diners squirt cream into angel cake pouches

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